The Secret War Part 1: The Enemy of My Enemy's Enemy
by Charcoal Cosplay
Summary: Whisked away from their parody universe by the mysterious Lunara, Sam and Dean find themselves in a harsher reality - in which Sam is dead and Dean rules Hell and most of Earth along side Abaddon. Meanwhile, stuck in the past, Castiel and Crowley decide to take on the brothers' cases to preserve the timeline, but Levi!Cas is hot on their trails. Reviews welcome. :)


**SOOBERNATRAL: SUPERNATURAL ABRIDGED**

**And Now a Word from Author: Hello.**

**And Now MORE Words from Author: Soobernatral is best defined as Supernatural the Animation Abridged meets Supernatural proper.**

**Please support the official show and works, respectively.**

**Please review.**

**Please enjoy. :)**

**The Secret War Part 1: "The Enemy of My Enemy's Enemy"**

Whisked away from their parody universe by the mysterious Lunara, Sam and Dean find themselves in a harsher reality - in which Sam is dead and Dean rules Hell and most of Earth along side Abaddon. Meanwhile, stuck in the past, Castiel and Crowley decide to take on the brothers' cases to preserve the timeline, but Levi!Cas is hot on their trails.

*****Though there are some funny moments in this story, there are also some really dark ones. I've placed a warning right before just in case.*****

**THEN**

SAM (voiceover)  
Previously on Soobernatral...

INT. PLANE – DAY

GEORGE PHELPS walks in. AMANDA addresses PHELPS.

AMANDA  
Have a nice flight, sir.

PHELPS turns, and we and AMANDA see that his eyes are completely black, even the whites. And SNOOP is like "That's some really good dope!"

PHELPS  
Oh, I'm counting on it.

INT. PLANE – DAY

PHELPS heads to the back of the plane. When he reaches the rear exit, he grasps the release handle. A YOUNG MAN in an aisle seat, MAX JAFFEY, notices him.

MAX  
Hey, what the hell are you doing?!

DUMBLEDORE

The man asked you a question! Well? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

PHELPS turns to look at MAX and Dumbledore who is regretting taking muggle transportation, eyes black again, then rips the door open!

He goes flying out the window, the door flies off tearing half a wing off the plane, and the plane goes down.

DUMBLEDORE

OOOOOOOOOHHHHH FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKKKKK!

EXT. STREET – DAY

SAM  
There's a long history of spirits and death omens on planes and ships, like phantom travelers. Demonic possession? Demonic possession? Demonic possession? Demonic possession?

DEAN  
It would explain how a mortal man would have the strength to open up an emergency hatch.

INT. PLANE – DAY

AMANDA heads for the plane, greeting coworkers.

AMANDA  
How are you? Hey, Bob.

BOB THE BUILDER

I can fucking fix anything!

AMANDA

Still on meth, then?

INT. PLANE – RESTROOM – NIGHT

Sam runs from Buffalo Jones, pants still around his legs.

SAM

Help me!

BUFFALO JONES

What's the rush?

(demonic voice)

Get over here!

Buffalo Jones slings his tail around like a lasso and ropes Sam.

SAM

Dean! DEAN! Rape! RAPE!

BUFFALO JONES

I'm about to do some shit to you that you won't remember til you're forty!

INT. PLANE – NIGHT

SAM  
Now, I found an exorcism in here that I think is gonna work. The Rituale Romanum.

DEAN  
What do we have to do? Dress in drag and do the hula?

SAM  
It's two parts. The first part expels the demon from the victim's body. It makes it manifest, which actually makes it more powerful.

DEAN  
More powerful?

SAM  
Yeah.

DEAN  
How?

SAM  
Well, it doesn't need to possess someone anymore. It can just wreak havoc on its own.

DEAN  
Oh. And why is that a good thing?

SAM  
Well, because the second part sends the bastard back to hell once and for all.

INT. PLANE – BACKROOM – NIGHT

Dean holds down the possessed COPILOT.

DEAN  
Hurry up, Sam. I don't know how much longer I can hold him, Cap'n!

SAM  
Regna terrae, cantate Deo, psallite Domino—

The DEMON breaks free briefly and hits them both until DEAN manages to subdue him again. SAM picks up where he left off. The DEMON knocks DEAN off again and pulls the tape off his mouth. He grabs SAM by the collar.

DEMON  
I know what happened to your girlfriend! She must have died screaming! Even now, she's burning! There! I said it! It's canon now!

INT. PLANE – NIGHT

The DEMON possesses a huge body builder.

SAM

Oh crap.

DEMON

Fee fi fo fum!

And CHUCK WHO IS NOT TO WITH FUCK NORRIS is like "The eyes of a ranger are upon you. Roundhouse kick!"

DEAN

Lights out, bitch.

EXT. AIRPORT ACCESS – DAY

DEAN dials a number. As the voice message begins, he turns it so SAM can hear too.

JON  
Dis iss Jon Waaaaaayne Winchessshire. I can be reached. BURP! If dis ish an emerg.. emerg… problem, call my sssson, Dean. 785-555-0179. He can help.

Jon is heard vomiting.

LUNARA appears before them.

LUNARA

Hello, Sam.

DEAN

Sam, you go something to say to me?

SAM

I don't know. Do I know you?

LUNARA

Not yet.

DEAN

You wanna tell me what the hey-hey is going on?

LUNARA

There's a secret war.

DEAN

Ain't that cute.

LUNARA

And you're a part of it. There are other worlds. Many. And if you want to save yours, you'll come with me. Right now.

DEAN

We're not going anywhere, princess.

LUNARA

Magic!

A F**KING dimensional portal envelopes the trio.

DEAN

Okay. Guess we are.

SAM

Narnia, here we come!

The trio, along with the Impala, disappear in a flash of sparkling light.

EXT. AIRPORT – DAY

Jerry screams. He is covered in blood and missing an ear.

JERRY

I don't know where they went! They're already gone.

LEVI!CAS

So we're too late. Okay, officially bored now.

Levi!Cas skins Jerry alive. It's not as fun as it sounds.

A MAN walks in. He looks like DEAN, but there's something off about him. He's older, wearing all black with a badass beard. There's a scary coldness in his eyes.

DARK!DEAN

Lunara. That little bitch must've found them. Doesn't matter. They'll die just like all the rest. You ready to raise some hell, Levi?

LEVI!CAS

Always. This is gonna be so much fun.

SQUAD cars pull up.

DARK!DEAN reaches into his coat, pulling out the FIRST BLADE. It resonates with power.

DARK!DEAN

(smiling)

Oh, I'm counting on it.

**NOW**

"PARODY UNIVERSE"

INT. ROAD HOUSE – NIGHT, 2005

BAD MOON RISING plays on a jukebox.

HORACE, a bespectacled hunter, complete with beer in hand, sleeps at a table.

JO HARVELLE takes the half empty bottle from him and wipes the table as best she can.

JO

Closing time in five, Horace.

ASH plays cards at a table with ELLEN.

ELLEN

Full house. What do ya got, Stamos?

ASH

Nothing much. Just a royal flush!

Ellen groans and takes a sip of whiskey.

ASH

Will that be cash, check, or credit?

ELLEN

I'm running a little short. How about an extension on your bar tab?

ASH

I humbly accept.

JO

This would go three times faster if you two helped.

ELLEN

I managed it while raising a kid. I'm sure you'll be fine.

Jo sighs.

ELLEN

A little responsibility never hurt anyone, Jo. Did you take out the garbage like I told you to?

JO

But Mo-om!

Ellen gives her a look.

JO

I'm going.

She heads into the back.

ELLEN

Horace?

Horace yawns, then falls out of his chair.

The jukebox shuts off by itself. Ellen gets up to inspect it.

EXT. ROAD HOUSE – NIGHT

Jo carries two garbage bags to the dumpster.

SCREAMING. GUN SHOTS.

JO

Mom!

INT. ROAD HOUSE – NIGHT

Armed with her father's knife, Jo creeps in. DARK!DEAN drinks at the bar. There are severed limbs everywhere.

DARK!DEAN

Hey, Jo. I'll take that cunt burger to go. Hold the fries.

JO

Who are you?

Dark!Dean smirks and takes another sip of whiskey.

DARK!DEAN

I'm glad you're here. It'll save me some time. Come sit in my lap. I'll tell you a bedtime story.

JO

My mom…

DARK!DEAN

Right here.

He reaches down beside him and picks up Ellen's severed head. He sets it up on the bar.

JO

You bastard!

DARK!DEAN

You're so cute when you're angry. I'm lookin' forward to seeing what other kind of faces you can make.

He throws the bottle against the wall, where it shatters, and stands up.

Jo's hand shakes as she holds her knife.

DARK!DEAN

Is that any way to treat your best customer?

Jo runs to the back.

He picks up Ellen's head.

DARK!DEAN

Something I said?

INT. ROAD HOUSE – BACKROOM – NIGHT

Jo pours a line of salt at the door.

The door swings open.

Jo backs up, knife at the ready.

Dark!Dean leans in the doorway. He looks down at the salt line and whistles.

DARK!DEAN

Smart move, but –

He scoops up some of the salt and licks it from his hand.

DARK!DEAN

- I ain't a demon.

He moves towards Jo.

Jo lunges at him with the knife. He grabs her hand, takes the knife, and tosses it aside.

He grabs her from behind and shushes her as she cries. He smells her hair.

The back door opens. ABADDON struts in.

DARK!DEAN

I brought you something.

ABADDON

Ooh. I bet I'll look at least ten years younger in it. We'll have to do something about the hair though.

Jo looks terrified.

EXT. ROAD HOUSE – NIGHT

Dark!Dean and Abaddon walk away from the Road House. Dark!Dean carries an unconscious Jo over his shoulder.

Something explodes inside the Road House and it catches fire.

INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY

CASTIEL sits at a table with an untouched cup of coffee in front of him. He stands up and looks out the window. He eyes a Felix the Cat clock hanging on the wall.

Someone opens the door. Castiel slips his angel blade out of his coat and moves to the door.

It's CROWLEY, carrying a grocery bag.

CROWLEY

Bloody hell!

CASTIEL

Crowley.

Castiel lowers his blade, but doesn't put it away.

CROWLEY

You could've given me proper warning before aiming something pointy at me. Not that it's ever too early for that sort of thing.

CASTIEL

You were gone a good while.

CROWLEY

Obtaining ingredients for a spell takes more than five minutes and a snap of my fingers these days.

Crowley sets the bag on the table.

CASTIEL

Were you followed?

CROWLEY

You haven't touched your coffee, have you? You could've at least taken a sip after all the trouble I went thr-

CASTIEL

Were you followed?!

CROWLEY

No! What do you think I am, some kind of amateur?!

CASTIEL

Can't be too sure.

CROWLEY

I've upheld my end of the bargain. What about you, Cas? Tell me you've located someone or some _thing_ that can help us return to our respective humble abodes.

CASTIEL

Not quite, but I have been doing a fair amount of research.

CROWLEY

Have you?

Crowley turns on the TV. Casa Erotica is on. He turns it back off.

CROWLEY

Well, given the sheer amount of hands on research one can compile from a single issue of Busty Asian Beauties alone, I don't know whether to be grateful or lament the fact that I was tardy to the party.

CASTIEL

Yes. Well…

CROWLEY

You think this is a vacation?! Multiple worlds are collapsing like dwarf stars and you want to watch a failed actor and a crack whore – neither of whom I can tell apart, mind you – bump uglies?! My cards are all on the table, Cas. Are yours?! No hidden angel pal up your sleeve? No time wizards running around Great Britain?

Castiel shakes his head.

CASTIEL

I'll never get use to this slow path. When I had wings –

CROWLEY

And who do you have to blame for that little transgression?

Castiel balls his fist.

CASTIEL

Metatron tricked me.

CROWLEY

Oh yes. That seems to happen to you a lot, doesn't it? Lost your white and flufflies. Let those insatiable tapeworms in.

CASTIEL

As I recall, opening the door to Purgatory was a joint venture. I made a mistake. Many, but I'm trying to _fix _things. All you care about is reclaiming your title.

CROWLEY

It's more than a title. It's my bloody kingdom!

CASTIEL

How you tricked Dean into –

CROWLEY

Trick? Ha! That squirrelly, surly little nightmare on legs made his own decisions. It's not my fault he let the power go to his head! Remind you of anyone?

Castiel puts his angel blade to Crowley's throat. Crowley aims a gun at Castiel's chest.

CROWLEY

Looks like you brought a knife to a gun fight.

CASTIEL

That would be true. If you could pull the trigger before I end you forever.

CROWLEY

It appears we've reached a stand-off. Minus the Mexicans. I won't tell if you won't.

Someone knocks on the door.

CROWLEY

Cas? Manners.

Castiel shoves him back and goes for the door. He looks back at Crowley, who aims at the door, then nods.

He opens it. A PAPER BOY walks in. Castiel and Crowley hide their weapons behind their backs.

CASTIEL

Hello?

PAPER BOY

Hi, I'm selling subscriptions of the all-new Weekly World News at a very low price.

CROWLEY

Seems like a dying medium to me.

CASTIEL

Crowley? Manners.

Crowley forces a smile, then rolls his eyes.

CASTIEL

I hate to be rude, but we were just in the middle of something. Could you come by again tomorrow?

PAPER BOY

No can do. Protocol.

CROWLEY

Really? Because I fail to see any such thing reading material on your person. Or is it all online nowadays?

PAPER BOY

No, some things technology just can't beat. Like nature. If you go to a real quiet place and concentrate long enough, it's amazing what you can find. What you can sniff out.

The Paper Boy punches Castiel into the wall. The Paper Boy transforms into the weird Leviathan CGI face, then back again.

PAPER BOY

Levi's gonna be so proud!

CROWLEY

(picking up a bottle of Borax)

Back up, Alfalfa.

PAPER BOY

Or what? You'll squirt me too death?

CROWLEY

Actually, I'm relatively sure there are laws against that sort of thing.

PAPER BOY

Wait a minute… You're the former King of Hell!

CROWLEY

Former?!

PAPER BOY

Pleasure to eat you sir!

Crowley squirts him with some Borax. The Paper Boy's skin burns.

PAPER BOY

Ow! You stupid fucking asshole! I'm gonna fucking filet the both of you!

CROWLEY

How about a rain check?

Crowley slices the Paper Boy's head off with an angel blade.

CROWLEY

Or not.

He turns to Castiel who is still recovering.

CROWLEY

Cas? Are you alive?

Crowley moves closer. Will he kill him?

CASTIEL

Crowley… Watch out!

The Paper boy, who has grown two identical Leviathan messed up CGI heads, grabs Crowley.

CROWLEY

That's new.

The Paper Boy beats the hell out of Crowley.

PAPER BOY

Fucking demon scum!

Castiel slices the Paper Boy's arms off, but tentacles grow in their place.

CASTIEL

This is troubling.

The Paper Boy tosses Crowley aside and turns his attention to Castiel.

PAPER BOY

When are you gonna learn? We're at the top of the food chain!

The Paper Boy tries to eat Castiel whole, but Crowley smokes into his mouth.

PAPER BOY

Cough! Cough! What are you doi—

The Paper Boy explodes in black goo. Crowley smokes back into his meat suit. He and Castiel are covered in black goo.

CASTIEL

Did you just give him indigestion?

CROWLEY

In a matter of speaking, yes. He seemed a tad bit Lovecraftian didn't he?

CASTIEL

They shouldn't be this strong. They've evolved somehow. The amount of variables involved are staggering. Who knows how many there are. How many worlds they've conquered.

CROWLEY

Simply another incentive for us to vamoose ASAP!

CASTIEL

Right. More will be coming.

CROWLEY

I'll need a quick shower. You could use one yourself. Care to join?

Castiel dabs at the goo with some paper towel, doing the best he can, which isn't much and exits.

CROWLEY

Your loss.

"DARK UNIVERSE"

EXT. DESERT WASTELAND – DAY, 2015

A portal opens up.

The IMPALA lands gently in the desert. LUNARA floats down to the ground. SAM lands on top of the Impala and groans.

SAM

Lunara? Where's Dean? Dean!

DEAN lands in the sand with a thud.

DEAN

Okay. The sand broke my fall.

SAM

Pretty sure that was a bone.

Sam helps Dean up. Dean runs to check on the Impala.

SAM

Lunara, this doesn't' look like Narnia. Where are we?

DEAN

Tattooine? Is there a cantina around here? With some green or blue skinned chicks with multiple sets of ra—

SAM

Dean, minor.

DEAN

Oh right.

LUNARA

We're outside of Eden.

DEAN

Eden? You should have a talk with your gardener.

LUNARA

Can't. He's dead. Is it too late to call shotgun?

SAM

Why? Why? Wh-wh-why?

LUNARA

You can trust me.

DEAN

Good enough for me. Got a pen? I'll give you my social.

LUNARA

Already know it.

DEAN

I feel so violated.

SAM

So, what are we fighting? Werewolves? Shapeshifters? Mimes?

DEAN

(whispers)

Sammy has a problem with clowns.

SAM

A clown, where?!

LUNARA

Try the Queen and King of Hell.

DEAN

S word!

SAM

No offense, but what are two hunters and teenager supposed to do about _that_?

LUNARA

You guys are it. The last Winchesters.

DEAN

You mean we're sterile? Dude, that blows.

SAM

Wear the Bowie jeans, he says. You'll get laid, he says!

DEAN

If I jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?

SAM

Oh yeah? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?!

DEAN

Stop messing with my head!

LUNARA

The universe is so f**ked.

DEAN

What's that s'posed to mean?

LUNARA

You may be the last, but that doesn't mean you're the best. Truth is, you're not first round draft picks.

SAM

But I bought a t-shirt that says so and everything!

DEAN

You do realize that other people bought the same shirt?

SAM

Yeah, but do any of them wear it like me?

Sam poses. His hair blows in the breeze. A dove lands on his shoulder.

DEAN

Hot damn! Good point.

The dove craps on Sam and flies away.

SAM

Damn bird! Dean, hand me your gun.

DEAN

What are the magic words?

SAM

I'm mad and I wanna kill something?

DEAN

And?

SAM

Pretty please with a whipped cream and cherry covered pie on top?

DEAN

(giving Sam a gun)

There you go.

LUNARA

You two need to sit down for this. I'm bout to lay some truth on you.

DEAN

Is Sam not my brother?!

SAM

Yeah, am I not his brother?! Also, can I be adopted by a rich, well adjusted family?

DEAN

Adoption doesn't work like that.

SAM

Don't ruin this for me!

LUNARA

You know how you guys do odd things?

Sam and Dean look at each other.

DEAN

She knows too much.

SAM

Get the cables!

DEAN

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn?

LUNARA

And how you see things and people that shouldn't be there?

SAM

I don't know what you're talking about.

Marvin the Martian, Russell Crowe, and Chewbacca ride by on unicycles.

DEAN

Uh, don't know what you mean.

The ghost of Michael Jackson moon walks by.

LUNARA

How you know about things that haven't happened yet? Sam, I'm looking at you.

SAM

You can't prove s**t!

Dean holds a flashlight under his chin.

DEAN

(singing)

In the year two-thousand!

SAM

That kooky guy from American Psycho will play Batman, but be overshadowed by Heath Ledger as the Joker.

Sam holds a flashlight under his chin.

SAM

(singing)

In the year two-thousand! In the year two-thousand!

DEAN

Rapper and first coming of Yeezus will marry that big-assed Gypsy with the reality TV show. There will be a child!

They both hold flashlights under their chins now.

SAM N' DEAN

In the year two-thousand! In the year two-thousand!

CONAN O'BRIAN

Conan O'Brian and Andy Richter won't sue you, but will beat your ass!

ANDY RICHTER

(singing)

In the year – right now!

Fisticuffs ensue!

LATER

Dean has a black eye. Sam has a bloody nose.

SAM

Tha thale thy thih thed thair thad tha thwickd tweft thook.

DEAN

What?

SAM

I said that pale guy with red hair had a wicked left hook.

DEAN

Did you see the madness in that Richter guy's eyes? Man, I nearly pissed myself.

LUNARA

See?

SAM

No. What's your point?

LUNARA

You're parody characters written by a mad author.

INT. FURNITURE STORE – DAY

AUTHOR

AHHEHHHEEEEH! And then, Godzilla and the Self Aware Statue of Liberty will drive off the cliff together and a montage of their best moments will play and then the moon will sing and dance with Mr. Peanut and Stephen Colbert will rule the world!

FURNITURE SALES REP

Sir? This is a furniture store. You're going to have to leave.

Author pees on a couch.

FURNITURE SALES REP

_Now_.

EXT. DESERT WASTELAND – DAY

LUNARA

Your "misadventures" are based off of two successful hunters with a… unique… relationship that have been to hell and back and everywhere in-between.

DEAN

What's that about hell now?

MITTENS THE HELL HOUND

I wouldn't worry about it.

LUNARA

Those hunters were from the prime universe. They were the best of the best and they failed. Now, sadly, you two goofballs are the only hope. Any questions?

DEAN

Will there be a princess Leia type bikini deal later?

Lunara sighs. Sam raises his hand.

LUNARA

Yes?

SAM

Is this gonna be time consuming cause I have a normal life to get back to. I'm like three weeks late for an interview, Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean!

DEAN

Three? S**t. Possibly four.

LUNARA

Sam, we both know that's not gonna happen.

Sam's bottom lip twitches.

SAM

Don't say that! Why would you say that?! We're going to find Dad, we're going to kill the thing that killed Jess and Mom, and I'm going to be a lawyer!

DEAN

Sam, calm do—

SAM

No! I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Houston!

LUNARA

Look, I don't want to be here anymore than you do, but we're all the resistance has got.

DEAN

There's a resistance?

SAM

Dean, have you not seen any futuristic, post-apocalyptic movie ever?

DEAN

Does Escape from New York or Back to the Future count? If this is the future, where are all the hover boards? And robot servants? And – and twins?! Mmm. Twins.

LUNARA

Seriously, we are all fucked!

"PARODY UNIVERSE"

EXT. CAFÉ – DAY, 2005

Castiel sits at a table, awkwardly trying to blend in. He looks left and right. Paranoid with good reason.

Crowley pulls up in a black 1926 BENTLEY. He's wearing sun glasses.

CROWLEY

Fancy a ride?

Castiel walks to the Bentley, leaning in the passenger side window.

CASTIEL

You were supposed to get something less… noticeable.

CROWLEY

I highly doubt procuring a luxury vehicle will have adverse effects on the already less than ideal timeline. Are you going to get in or what?

Castiel sighs and reaches for the door handle. Crowley pulls up. Castiel frowns.

CROWLEY

Foot slipped. It's been awhile.

Castiel goes for the door. Crowley pulls up again and grins.

Crowley takes his glasses off and puts them in the glove compartment. When he looks up, Castiel is gone.

CROWLEY

What in blazes?

Castiel pops Crowley in the face and yanks open the driver side door open. Castiel gets in the driver's seat as Crowley holds his nose and moves over.

CROWLEY

This should make for an interesting road trip.

Crowley tries the radio. It doesn't work.

CROWLEY

Bullocks!

"TOLEDO, OHIO"

INT. SHOEMAKER LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Three GIRLS are laughing, gathered around a table with candles. The candlelight is the only light. Mwahaha!

GIRL 1  
Okay, your turn, truth or dare or pedo bear?

PEDO BEAR

I'm jes gon hide in the closet, kay?

LILY  
Truth.

GIRL 1  
Do you want to make out with Benji Swartz?

BENJI SWARTZ

Hi, guyssssss.

Benji is less than desirable. Like, imagine the ugliest nerd in the world. Now multiply that bump in the night shit by ten. There ya go.

GIRL 2 laughs cause coyote ugly, right?

LILY  
Dare.

GIRL 1  
Okay, lame. You have to...say "Bloody Mary" in the bathroom. And a couple times a month.

LILY  
Is that the best you can come up with? Shit.

Lily rolls a blunt cause she bout dat life, nigga.

GIRL 2  
Who's Bloody Mary? She scary?

GIRL 1  
She's this witch bitch.

LILY  
I heard she was a lady killed in a car crash over some bad hash.

HUGGY BEAR

The point is, the details are murky. You jive turkey.

GIRL 1

It doesn't matter who she is. Point is, if you say her name three times in the bathroom mirror she appears...and scratches your eyes out!

LILY and GIRL 2 jump.

GIRL 2  
So why would anyone say it?

LILY  
Because it isn't real.

LILY gets up, and GIRL 1 hands her a candle.

GIRL 1  
No turning on the lights, and remember...three times.

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

LILY opens the bathroom door. She looks at the shadows on the wall, then closes the door and puts the candle down in front of the mirror.

LILY  
Bloody Mary. This is so stupid. Bloody Mary.

The candle flickers cause it's agitated. LILY looks at it. A long pause. A Santa Pause?

LILY  
Bloody Mary.

A pause. A loud noise. LILY shrieks. Pounding on the door.

EXT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

LILY opens the door to find GIRLS 1 and 2, laughing cause girls be so evil.

GIRL 1  
Scared ya.

LILY  
You guys are jerks.

STEVEN  
Lily.

LILY looks up to the top of the stairs, where she sees her father, STEVEN SHOEMAKER.

STEVEN  
Do you mind keeping it down? I'm trying to hack into the Pentagon.

LILY  
Sorry, Daddy.

GIRLS 1 & 2  
Sorry, Mr. Shoemaker.

STEVEN

(walking away)

Dudes gonna be like "What the fuck?! Where did all these cute cat videos come from?"

He heads upstairs. He passes several mirrors; each has BLOODY MARY in them.

INT. UPSTAIRS BATHROOM – NIGHT

STEVEN takes some pills out of the bathroom medicine cabinet and closes the cabinet, revealing another mirror. He pops the pills in his mouth, then looks closer at the mirror. Bloody Mary is there.

STEVEN

What the sclztynt?!

BLOODY MARY

KIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

LILY and both GIRLS are giggling together cause having the munchies is fun!

GIRL 2  
You so like him!

DONNA, LILY's older, alcoholic sister, comes in the front door. Kramer did it better.

DONNA  
Hey, geek. BURP! You guys having fun? BURP!

LILY  
You're out past curfew.

DONNA  
Thanks, Dad. BUUUUUUUUUUUURP!

DONNA goes upstairs cause Freaky Friday situations are best not handled while you're drunk.

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – NIGHT

A pool of blood coming out from under the bathroom door. DONNA rounds the corner and sees it, stops, then starts forward more slowly. She hesitantly pushes open the bathroom door, revealing a great deal more blood.

DONNA

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! BURP!

INT. HELL – NIGHT(?)

It is hot. Naw, but really, there are pits of fire and shit.

DEMONS, some in human meat suits, others horned and scaly, torture damned souls.

A tortured soul on a rack lifts his head. He smile and his eyes turn black. Another demon brings in a fresh soul and the newly created demon steps off the rack and picks up some tools.

INT. HELL - CORRIDOR – LATER

Dark!Dean walks down a long corridor Various demons bow to him. He gives a small nod and turns a corner.

***** WARNING! WARNING! THIS IS NOT A JOKE! SOME BAD STUFF IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN! SERIOUSLY, IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED OR EATING OR PLAN TO EAT IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES OR SQUEAMISH, SKIP EIGHT OR NINE PAGES! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED! *****

INT. HELL – THRONE ROOM - LATER

Dark!Dean sits on a crudely made throne of bones. Above him, on the wall hangs several mutilated bodies of alternate universe Deans.

Some are missing limbs, some are missing eyes, heck, some have _billiard balls_ in place of eyes. They're all knitted together like Christmas decorations.

One Dean has a Mohawk, a nose ring, and is covered in tattoos. Another has hair longer than Sam's. A third is bald, with a heavy beard and in biker gear.

On the ceiling, arranged in a similar fashion are his past loves. It's like a twisted version of "This Is Your Life" or "Girlfriends from Christmas Past". Somewhere Matthew McConaughey is throwing up.

If he so much as kissed her, she's there. The corpses' arms, legs, etcetera are mixed and matched. It's a disturbing Mr. Potato-Head deal.

All are missing their eyes and tongues.

Jo is not among them. She's bound and gagged on a bed.

Dark!Dean eyes her with lust and takes his shirt off. The scars he has would rival Green Arrow's. He walks over to her, stroking her cheek. She turns away.

DARK!DEAN

I'm gonna take the blindfold off. Don't scream, okay?

Jo nods. Dean takes it off.

JO

Help me! Someone please!

DARK!DEAN

HELP! HELP!

Dark!Dean laughs and kisses her. She spits in his face. He wipes it away and licks it.

DARK!DEAN

Damn! You taste good, girl!

He climbs on top of her and she whimpers.

DARK!DEAN

Shh. Hey. Hey! Look at me!

Jo glares at him.

JO

Why are you doing this?

DARK!DEAN

(grins)

Cause I can. Cause I'm the King. And after a lifetime of – of getting shit on, saving the world with next to nothin' to show for it, I decided it was time I got my dues. My respect.

JO

By killing my friends and family, then kidnapping and… and raping me?

DARK!DEAN

Is that what you think this is?

He backs off her and sits on the edge of the bed.

DARK!DEAN

You don't know how hard it's been to organize all this. The pressure I'm under. The choices I had to make.

Jo tries to unite her ropes.

Dark!Dean looks at the Mark of Cain and rubs it.

DARK!DEAN

The cross I have to bear.

JO

I'm supposed to buy this bullshit? You're a monster!

DARK!DEAN

Bottom of the ninth, someone had to step up to the plate! Everywhere I looked things were in shambles! It was chaos.

JO

So you're what, a hero?

DARK!DEAN

I thought I was. A long time ago. Truth is, I'm whatever I need to be to get the job done.

Jo unties herself and tries to escape, but he grabs her by her hair, and throws her back down on the bed.

JO

No! Get off me!

DARK!DEAN

Such a fighter. I always liked you, Jo. By the time I realized just how much, it was too late.

Jo sees the corpses on the ceiling for the first time and shudders.

JO

Oh my God!

DARK!DEAN

He ain't here. Hasn't been for a long, long time.

JO

Where am I?

DARK!DEAN

This is Hell. But it doesn't have to be. Not for you.

JO

If you're going to kill me you bastard just make it quick!

DARK!DEAN

What? I'd never hurt you, Jo.

Another DEAN, blacked eyed, naked, and covered in blood appears. He has long hair and a shaggy beard. Completely psychotic and feral.

PSYCHO!DEAN

Liar!

DARK!DEAN

Shut up!

Jo looks around.

JO

What? Who are you talking to?

DARK!DEAN

No one.

PSYCHO!DEAN

Go on. Tell her about Cassie. She was the first. In more ways than one.

Dark!Dean's vision blurs. He rubs his eyes.

PSYCHO!DEAN

Or how about lovely Lisa? Remember what we did to her?

DARK!DEAN

No! No! That was an accident!

Jo is freaked the hell out, even more so than she previously was.

PSYCHO!DEAN

She was so bendy, but that little bastard of hers wouldn't shut up. Mommy, it's too hot down here! I wanna go home!

DARK!DEAN

I said shut up!

Psycho!Dean holds the First Blade.

It hums the tune of murder.

DARK!DEAN

No…

PSYCHO!DEAN

Let's have a little fun.

DARK!DEAN

No!

Dark!Dean turns way from Jo and Psycho!Dean and covers his ears.

The humming only intensifies.

Dark!Dean's hands shake.

FAKE!ABADDON (off-screen)

Come on, Dean.

Dark!Dean turns around. Now Abaddon is naked and covered in blood. She lies on the bed in Jo's place.

FAKE!ABADDON

You know it's not good for you hold it in.

Abaddon runs her fingers down her legs, then in-between them, pleasuring herself.

FAKE!ABADDON

Don't fight it. Come and get it out of your system.

Dark!Dean's lip trembles and he looks at Jo through predatory eyes.

JO

Please, no!

Dark!Dean rips Jo's clothes off and climbs on top of her.

JO

NO!

He hallucinates - going from hacking heads off and slashing enemies in battle with the First Blade to having rough sex with Abaddon - raping Jo as she violently sobs.

Jo's cries suddenly turns to laughter.

He slaps her.

DARK!DEAN

Enough!

Jo laughs and her eyes turn black.

JO

(in Abaddon's voice)

What's the matter, Dean? This RPG getting to real for you?

DARK!DEAN

How long have you been inside her?

JO

(in Abaddon's voice)

You know, Dean, Freud would have quite the field day with you.

DARK!DEAN

How long?!

JO

(in Abaddon's voice)

I could ask you the same thing.

He chokes her. She smiles, pulls him back down on top of her, and kisses him fiercely.

She wraps her legs around him and digs her nails into his back, leaving bloody claw marks.

JO

(in Abaddon's voice)

It's virgin pussy if you're hungry. Well, it _was_ anyway.

Dean pushes her back onto the bed, massages Jo's clit, then sticks his tongue between her legs.

JO

(in Abaddon's voice)

Yeah! Fuck me!

The roll around in the bed, each fighting to get on top.

She straddles his cock, rubs her breasts, and leans back, facing the ceiling.

She arches back as he thrusts deep inside her.

Dark!Dean gets on top now, pumping into her.

She squeezes his ass, pulling him in.

He bites her breasts.

Jo's black eyes disappear.

JO

No! Please!

Dark!Dean hesitates.

JO

(in Abaddon's voice )

Just kidding. Fuck blondie's cunt!

DARK!DEAN

Stop doing that!

JO

(in Abaddon's voice)

Or what? You're gonna spank me?

Dark!Dean flips her over, beats her ass like a mad drummer, then fucks her from behind.

She looks back at him, smiling wickedly.

JO

(changing from Jo to Abaddon's voice)

Please! Fuck! Don't! Me!

DARK!DEAN

(through gritted teeth)

I… said… STOP!

Dark!Dean pulls her hair into a knot around his hand, yanks it back, and pumps into her a few more times until he finally climaxes, biting her shoulder,

He falls back on the bed exhausted.

JO

(in Abaddon's voice)

Why'd you stop?

DARK!DEAN

Cause I'm done, you sick bitch.

JO

(in Abaddon's voice)

I'm not.

She pins him to the bed.

She grips his dick in her hand leans towards it, excruciatingly slow, teasing him.

JO

(in Abaddon's voice)

How many times do I have to say it? You want something, you take it.

She kisses the tip of his dick and licks the shaft. He groans.

DARK!DEAN

And what do you want now, my queen?

JO

(in Abaddon's voice)

A bloody geyser. Extra salty.

DARK!DEAN

A what?

JO

(in Abaddon's voice)

Think happy thoughts.

She flashes her sinister smile, then black smoke billows out of her mouth.

Dark!Dean's eyes widen and he lets out a bloodcurdling scream.

DARK!DEAN

ABADDON!

He bite his lip until it bleeds and clutches the sides of the bed as he spasms in agony and ecstasy.

LATER

Abaddon washes herself in a tub of blood.

Jo's mutilated body parts lie all over the place.

A dazed Dark!Dean holds Jo's severed head and sits against his throne.

ABADDON

Could you be a dear and get my back?

Dark!Dean walks over to her, holding Jo's head by the hair.

He lets it drop to the floor and climbs into the tub.

She puts her hands on his face, leaving two bloody prints and kisses him.

He licks some blood from her neck and kisses her back.

*****OKAY. BACK TO THE SAFE FOR WORK PART.*****

EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT

The Bentley zooms down the highway.

INT. BENTLEY - NIGHT

R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know It" plays on the car radio.

Crowley sings along to it as Castiel reads the Winchester Gospels.

CROWLEY

Come on, lighten up. It's the least you could do after I Crowley-rigged the radio. We _are_ comrades in arms.

CASTIEL

We're not anything, Crowley. We simply have a common goal. Once balance is restored–

CROWLEY

Yada yada yada. What's the saying? The bigger they are, the harder they fall from their high horse?

CASTIEL

Something's wrong.

CROWLEY

Really? No one can ever say that you're not observant.

CASTIEL

According to this book Dean and Sam were supposed to be in Toledo, Ohio hours ago.

CROWLEY

Have you ever considered the fact that those blundering fools might've be eradicated?

CASTIEL

No. They're not dead. The locator spell wouldn't have worked otherwise. We may have overshot the time, but not the place. They were here, in this universe. But now they're gone.

CROWLEY

So our only chance of survival lies in the hands of two idiots who seemed to have vanished off of the face of the Earth?

CASTIEL

Yes. That does put things in a troubling yet simplistic perspective.

CROWLEY

Well, I don't know about you, Cas. But I could I use a drink.

CASTIEL

Maybe later.

CROWLEY

Later?

CASTIEL

Don't you understand, Crowley? Until Dean and Sam return, we have to fill in for them.

CROWLEY

You're bloody serious aren't you?!

CASTIEL

This timeline must be maintained as thoroughly as possible.

CROWLEY

I hate you.

CASTIEL

The feeling's mutual.

"DARK UNIVERSE"

EXT. DESERT WASTELAND - HIGHWAY - DAY

The Impala drives down a long deserted road on cracked asphalt past long faded road signs. Nothing on the radio but static. Dean angrily turns the radio off. He stares into the rear view mirror. Lunara smiles.

DEAN

Don't you ever sleep, kid?

LUNARA

No. Not really.

SAM

How old are you?

LUNARA

Thirteen.

SAM

Huh. What's a gun-toting, spell casting thirteen year old doing traveling alone fighting monsters? Are you on a milk carton somewhere? Oh crap. Is this a kidnapping? Are you kidnapping us?!

LUNARA

Um, no. No kidnapping. As for hunting, my mom taught me everything I know.

SAM

Where are your parents now? I'm gonna judge them so hard.

LUNARA

My mom died… Dad's been M.I.A. for _years_. No one's looking for me.

DEAN

Uh, let's play a game to pass the time.

SAM

But, Dean, there are no cows to tip over here.

DEAN

(under his breath)

Follow my lead, bitch!

SAM

(under his breath)

Ix-nay on the ursing-cay, kay?

LUNARA

I'm not fucking deaf or stupid you know.

DEAN

I spy with my little Deany eye, something brown.

SAM

Is it sand?

DEAN

S**t. Yeah.

SAM

Brilliant idea. Why don't we play charades next, Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean?!

DEAN

What? What? Don't you patronize me!

A hooded figure walks with a cane on the side of the road.

SAM

What the hell? Who'd be hitchhiking in this heat?

DEAN

Definitely not a snowman, that's for damn sure. Let's pick him up. He may have a bunch of cool, never ending old man tales to tell!

LUNARA

Pass him.

SAM

Let's rob his a- I mean, yeah, pass him.

DEAN

You want me to pass him?

LUNARA and SAM

Yes!

DEAN

No, let's stop.

Dean stops the car.

SAM

Damn it, Dean! I bet he smells like Funyuns and onions.

The hooded FIGURE walks closer to the Impala. As he gets closer, the trio are able to make out his features.

SAM

Hmm. His face appears to be a swarm of bees. And flies. And beetles. Wait a min—That's not normal at all!

DEAN

Oh shit. This guy's a candy man!

SAM

You think?!

Dean throws it in reverse.

It opens its cloak and the insects fly out, dive-bombing the Impala.

The Impala dodges cactus after cactus as the swarm crawls up inside the car, out through the air vents.

SAM

Don't let any in! I'm allergic to bees!

DEAN

What? Since when?

SAM's face looks like Rocky Dennis got hit with an anti-pretty stick.

SAM

Since f**king now!

DEAN

Any ideas, kid?!

LUNARA  
Watch out for that –

SPLASH!

The Impala has driven into a river.

The car starts to fill up with water.

DEAN

Baby, no! You're just a little wet. You're still good! You're still good!

IMPALA

Be good.

SAM

Lunara, shoot out the back window!

DEAN

I'll kill you if you do!

SAM

We'll die if she doesn't!

DEAN

Grr.

SAM

Grr.

DEAN

Woof!

LUNARA

Guys? We're running out of air!

DEAN

Yeah? That means there's no air for the insects either. So there.

The water has risen above their necks.

SAM

What kind of insane troll logic is that?!

DEAN

The insane kind?

LUNARA

We have to go now!

DEAN

No. I'm going down with the ship.

SAM

Dean, no! No-no!

DEAN

What does it matter anyway, right? We're just parody characters.

SAM

Don't say it.

DEAN

I'm just a toy, Sam! Not even a se-

LUNARA

You can't give up. The whole universe is counting on you!

SAM

Dean? DEAN!

Dean takes off his necklace.

DEAN

Take care, Sammy.

Lunara shoots out the back window. Sam takes the necklace, and after one last look at Dean, pushes Lunara up and out and follows.

They climb out of the river just as the Impala sinks beneath the surface. Bubbles float to the top.

Chewbacca cries. Sam hugs him and cries.

Dean's head pops up out of the water.

SAM

Dean! You're alive!

DEAN

I tried to stay under, but all that water made it hard for me to breath.

Sam helps him out and hugs him.

SAM

Don't scare me like that, you big jerk!

DEAN

Sorry, Sammy, but I couldn't leave behind the greatest hits of mullet rock. I believe you have something that belongs to me.

Sam

Nuh-uh.

DEAN

Sammy?

SAM

Oh take it. I was so gonna pawn it for a grille. Lil Jon has one. That guy at the mini mart has one. Everyone has one except me!

DEAN kisses the necklace and puts it on.

LUNARA

Now what?

SAM

Can you find your way home from here?

Lunara looks around. She shrugs.

LUNARA

Maybe. But we'll have to find somewhere to camp for the night.

SAM N' DEAN

_More_ camping? SON OF A BITCH!

"PARODY UNIVERSE"

INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

JON walks in, carrying a six pack of beer. He drops his keys and laughs. He turns on the lights.

LEVI sits at a table. He eats the leg of a cleaning lady like a drumstick. He has blood around his mouth and a bib around his neck. So it's okay…

LEVI

I got kind of hungry waiting for you so I had a snack. Hope you don't mind the mess.

Levi smiles.

JON

Who BURP! are BURP! you? BUUUUUUUUUUUURP!

LEVI licks the blood from his fingers like hot sauce, wipes his mouth with the bib, then neatly folds it.

LEVI

They call me Levi.

JON

What are you? Did you BURP! kill my BURP! wife?! Answer me!

LEVI

Oh. That's what this is about. You and your parent neglecting obsession with what killed you poor wittle wife.

Levi laughs.

JON

Prepare to die! Fist to face!

Jon throws a punch at Levi. Levi catches his fist and twists it until bones protrude out of his wrist.

LEVI

Oh, look at that.

(smiling)

Twip! Twip! Spider-Man! Spider-Man! Does whatever a spider can!

Levi slams Jon against the wall, knocking the wind out of him.

Levi holds Jon's hand and twist it until Jon howls and falls to his knees. He sits beside Jon and playfully tussles Jon's hair.

LEVI

That's the problem with you. All of you. You like to think that you're special. That your hopes, fears, and dreams matter. But the sad truth is that you cattle are all the same. Do you know how many John Winchesters I've eaten in the last year? Hell, in the last month? Do you?!

Jon winces from the pain. He reaches for a knife just out of reach.

LEVI

You're so easily broken.

(laughing)

What was God thinking making you? For that matter, what was He thinking when He made me?

JON

Die! Knife to brain!

Jon stabs Levi in the brain.

LEVI

Wow, Jon. I mean, really?

Levi claps dramatically, then removes the knife, letting it drop to the floor.

LEVI

I've had worse, Jon. It is Jon, right? J-O-N? I don't want you to think I'm just some mindless, glutinous freak. I like to know just who I'm eating.

Jon throws a f**king flash grenade at Levi and runs out the door.

LEVI

(laughing)

A hunting we will go! A hunting we will go! Hi ho the merry oh a hunting we will go. Hahahaha!

EXT. MOTEL - NIGHT

Jon hides around a corner. He bandages his arm with a shirt, then picks up a machete.

Levi stalks out into the night. He sniffs the air.

LEVI

Jon? Joo-oon! Come out and plaaaaay! Come on, Jon! We're were having so much fun.

Levi crouches down and looks under Jon's truck.

LEVI

You're tired, inebriated, injured, scared, and human and I'm – well, not. You do the math, Jon. There's only one way this ends. I can smell you. You reek of alcohol.

Levi tiptoes to the corner and jumps out. No sign of Jon.

Levi sniffs the air and smiles. He turns back around, Jon is halfway to his truck.

LEVI

There you are, buddy.

JON

Stay the fuck back. Any closer and I'll –

LEVI

You'll what? You're nothing but a joke in this world, Jon.

He steps closer to Jon. Levi reaches into his pocket and takes out a knife and a fork.

LEVI

That rum is gonna make you taste so good. Just so you know, I'm gonna eat your boys too. Maybe at the same time. It's always been a fantasy of mine but I've never gotten around to i—

JON

You touch my boys you die!

Levi laughs cause he is totally gonna touch his boys.

LEVI

There are worse things than death, Jon.

JON

Like what, taxes?

LEVI

You know from personal experience. Death is one thing, but pain and torture? That's a whole other animal.

Levi rubs the knife and fork together. That bastard! That's why the dish and the spoon ran away!

LEVI

That's what scares you the most, isn't it? Not that your boys will die. That's just the life. But that they'll suffer horribly. Like Mary.

JON

Don't. Don't you say her name, you freak!

LEVI

(singing)

Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb. Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow.

Jon tries to hold back tears.

LEVI

(singing)

And everywhere that Mary went death was sure to follow. Ha ha!

Jon slashes at Levi. Levi jumps back just in time.

LEVI

Tell me where your sons are, Jon and I'll make it quick. I'll send you to Mary.

JON

Or what?

LEVI

Or I can make you wish you were dead. More than you already do.

JON

Mary's in Heaven. I love her in ways you could never imagine, but Sam and Dean are all I've got. For them I'd go to Hell. But you can go first, you evil son of a bitch!

Jon throws the machete at Levi, who catches it.

LEVI

That may have been the dumbest strategy I've ever –

Jon throws a cigarette lighter down and runs for cover. Levi looks at the trail of fire. It leads to Jon's truck. BOOM! KA-BOOM! EXPLOSION NOISE!

Levi is blown sky high. He lands on Jon's flaming truck. Remember Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru after the Empire got through with them? Yeah, Levi looks like that.

JON

Damn, I liked that truck.

Jon flips open his phone. Levi's fingers twitch.

JON

Come on, Dean. Pick up, damn it.

Jon closes it in frustration. He thinks, then opens it again.

JON

Bobby? I know it's been a while, but I need a favor.

"DARK UNIVERSE"

EXT. DESERT - ABANDONED AUTO YARD - NIGHT

Rusted cars as far as the eye can see.

Sam and Lunara sit by a fire. Sam roasts marshmallows while Lunara gives him pig tails. Yeah, it's that kind of party.

Dean walks out with some firewood and a guitar.

SAM

Where'd you find that?

DEAN

I whittled it myself.

SAM

Bullshit. What about the strings?

DEAN

Shut up, Sammy.

Dean strums the guitar.

SAM

Do you know "Wonderful Tonight"?

DEAN

Yeah, but Eric Clapton is like right there, so.

ERIC CLAPTON

I'm watching you.

Dean plays Hallelujah. They all sing along.

Lunara finally falls asleep.

Sam and Dean share a smile. Sam's pig tails rise up.

LATER

Sam sits on a log and looks up at the stars. Dean sits next to him.

SAM

Your shift isn't for another fifteen minutes.

DEAN

I know. Just thought I'd spend some time with my favorite bro.

SAM

I'm your only brother.

ADAM

Er, right. I'll be quietly rotting away if anyone needs me. Anyone? Anyone? No? Okay.

DEAN

I shouldn't have pulled that crap back there with you and the kid. I'm sorry.

SAM

Dean…

DEAN

We're family. We stick together. No matter what.

ADAM

Seriously?

SAM

What was that?

DEAN

Must've been the wind.

SAM

Dean… No chick flick moments.

DEAN

(standing up)

Bitch.

SAM

Jerk.

They playfully wrestle. Lunara watches them and smiles.

LUNARA

You guys are so lame.

DEAN

Look who's up.

Lunara reaches into her jacket.

SAM

Looking for these?

Sam holds her two Colt Revolvers.

LUNARA

Give them back!

DEAN

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast. We just want a couple more answers first.

LUNARA

I've told you all I can.

DEAN

You recruited us, Strawberry Shortcake. We need to know everything we can about what we're facing.

SAM

Starting with you. Who are you really?

DEAN

And how did you come by our Dad's jacket?

Lunara looks down at her battered jacket.

DEAN

Looks like it's been stitched to hell and shrank in the wash, but I'd recognize it anywhere.

LUNARA

I'm your half sister.

Sam and Dean look at each other. They laugh.

LUNARA

What?

SAM

Jon "Who Pissed in My Boots" Winchester is your dad?

DEAN

The same guy who got stuck in the chimney on Christmas cause he somehow parked his truck on the roof? Well, I'll be damned. Welcome to the family, kid.

LUNARA

(laughing)

Jon? Jon isn't my father or yours.

Sam stops laughing.

DEAN

Ha ha h- haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn?!

SAM

If Jon isn't our father, then who the hell is?

VROOM!

Something comes straight at them, whipping up a dust storm.

They all get to their feet.

Four biker ninja - clad in black and wearing helmets - appear. The Dreadnaughts.

The word "DEATH" is on all their motorcycles and helmets.

LUNARA

Oh no!

A red dot appears on Sam's chest.

SAM

Hello, friend. Wait...

BLAM! A spike nails Sam just shy of his heart. He recoils, hitting the ground like a sexy sack of potatoes.

DEAN

SAM!

Dean drags Sam out of the crossfire, behind the remains of a long forgotten tour bus.

The Dreadnaughts park their motorcycles, then march towards them.

Lunara grabs her guns and fires back, taking cover.

DEAN

You're gonna be okay, Sammy. Don't talk. I'll just remove this thi-

SAM

EEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHH!

LUNARA

Don't touch it! It's magic. It'll only embed itself deeper.

DEAN

Kid - Lunara, you gotta magic us outta here!

LUNARA

I can't!

DEAN

Why the hell not?!

LUNARA

The ingredients for the spell… It's all gone.

Lunara fires, taking out one of the Dreadnaughts, but is hit in the shoulder by another.

LUNARA

Ah!

DEAN

Damn. Let me see.

He inspects her shoulder, then tears off a piece of his shirt.

LUNARA

I can manage.

DEAN

Who the hell are they?

LUNARA

(wrapping her shoulder)

They're called the Dreadnaughts. Soulless assassins working for the Kingdom. The leather was the Queen's idea.

DEAN

Stay here.

Dean rushes to the other side of the mini bus, Colt in hand.

He fires, taking down another.

A spike lands inches away from Dean's face and he ducks back behind the bus.

The two remaining Dreadnaughts nod to each other and split up, heading behind the bus.

They walk around, gun and crossbow drawn respectively, but the trio are gone.

They look at each other, puzzled.

Dean rolls out from under the bus, Colt in hand, and shoots the gun carrying Dreadnaught in the face.

The bullet crashes through the helmet, killing her.

Dean takes off his jacket, he throws it over the crossbow, causing the Dreadnaught to fire wildly.

Dean sidesteps him, tackling him into the bus.

Lunara and Sam, who were hiding under the bus, crawl out the other side.

Dean beats the Dreadnaught's head against the bus. The Dreadnaught elbows Dean, then kicks him in the ribs.

The Dreadnaught adjusts his wrist. A dagger pops out.

Just before he can stab Dean, Dean picks up an arrow and gets him first – in the neck.

Blood spurts out of the Dreadnaught's neck and he kneels down to one knee. He takes his helmet off. He can't be more than five years older than Lunara. He lies back and dies. Eyes still open.

Dean closes the young assassin's eyes, then looks at the blood on his own hands. For awhile, he is frozen, then his big brother instinct takes over.

DEAN

Sam!

Sam sits up against the bus, breathing heavy. He nods to Dean. Lunara crouches beside him.

DEAN

You okay?

LUNARA

I'll live.

Lunara looks pas Dean, eyes wide in horror.

Abaddon is just feet away from them.

ABADDON

Care to wager?

LUNARA

Dean, get Sam out of here. Now!

Abaddon flicks her wrist and Dean and Sam are pinned against the bus.

ABADDON

Be with you boys in a minute. Or less. Come on, little girl. Let's play.

Lunara stands and charges at Abaddon. She easily overpowers Lunara, and takes a Colt from her.

DEAN

No!

Abaddon shoots Lunara in the head.

Lunara falls to the ground in slow motion.

Sam and Dean are in shock.

ABADDON

Who knew these things could be so much fun?

DEAN

I'll kill you!

Dean fires round after round at her. She keeps coming. She chokes him with one hand. He drops to his knees and gags.

ABADDON

So young and dumb and full of -

She licks his face.

ABADDON

Shit. All that bravado and for what? There's not a thing you could do to me, Dean.

(whispers in his ear)

That we haven't done to each other plenty of times already.

Dean grimaces.

ABADDON

Still not a virgin? I'm a little disappointed but I can't say I'm not surprised. You know what happens to virgins?

She smiles and walks over to Lunara's body. She cradles her like a newborn.

DEAN

Get away from her!

ABADDON

They suffer the most. Nothing like pure innocence.

She kisses Lunara.

Dean looks away, tears rolling down his face.

Abaddon lays Lunara back down and moves towards Dean. She pins him down and smells him.

DEAN

Ain't you gonna buy me a drink first?

ABADDON

Have you ever tased the blood of a virgin before, Dean? Come on, just between us?

DEAN

Get off of me!

ABADDON

I wish you were a virgin, Dean. I'd suck you dry.

DEAN

I swear, I will-

Abaddon laughs and grips his jaw, silencing him.

ABADDON

That is just adorable. Let's put that tongue of yours to good use.

She kisses him. Her tongues lashes furiously in his mouth. Dean spits. She slaps him and slams his head down on the ground.

ABADDON

I know every cubic inch of you. What makes you tick. Just where to poke to get the desired "reaction". All those kinky little things you won't even admit to yourself that you like.

She runs a finger down his chest, stopping at his crouch. She unzips his fly.

ABADDON

It'll hurt at first. Hell, it'll hurt ever time. But sooner rather than later, you'll come to want me inside of you.

She opens her mouth and black smoke begins to come out.

Sam hits her with a crow bar.

She sends him flying with telekinesis.

ABADDON

Damn, Sam. Can't you just be a good little brother and watch? You might learn a thing or two.

Abaddon picks up the crow bar. She twirls it like a baton and advances on Sam.

SAM

Domino's Sugar Ray Toyota Sandals-

ABADDON

Exorcism won't work on me, hon.

SAM

Oh s**t.

ABADDON

You're bleeding out. How about I make you a deal?

SAM

Go to hell!

ABADDON

That's cute. Must run in the family.

DEAN

Stay away from my brother, bitch!

ABADDON

He's dying, Dean. But I could save him. Crawl inside him. Then if you're really good, we can indulge in some piping hot Wincest.

SAM

Have his (BLEEP) in my (EXPLETIVE DELETED)? Be your meat puppet?

ABADDON

In every sense of the word.

SAM

I'd rather die.

ABADDON

Be careful what you wish for.

Abaddon impales the crow bar in Sam's skull.

DEAN

SAMMY!

Hot tears stream down Dean's face. He forces himself to look away from his brother's dead body and turns to Abaddon.

Dean drags himself to his feet and picks up a hunting knife.

ABADDON

What do you say, Dean? Ready to fuck now?

He makes a b line for her. There's no pain or sadness in his eyes now. Only a blinding, seething rage.

DEAN

Yeah, I'm ready to fuck. FUCKING KILL YOU!

ABADDON

I love it when you talk filthy. Stab away, little prince.

Dean belts out a berserker war cry and stabs at her. She dodges the first attack and grins.

ABADDON

Come on. You've got to want it!

Dean slashes at her, slicing a hole in her shirt.

ABADDON

There are easier ways to get a girl's blouse off.

He throws the knife. It lodges in her forehead and he tackles her to the ground.

ABADDON

Careful. Turnabouts foreplay.

Dean punches her until his knuckles are bloody.

DEAN

You're gonna pay for what you did!

Dark!Dean kicks him off Abaddon. He helps her to her feet.

ABADDON

What did you do that for? We were having so much fun.

DARK!DEAN

What can I say, I got a little jealous.

DEAN

Who the hell are you supposed to be?

Dark!Dean punts him in the head, knocking him out.

DARK!DEAN

You. Only better.

"PARODY UNIVERSE"

INT. BOBBY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

BOBBY watches Sex & the City. He's wearing his favorite hat, a flannel shirt, underwear, and socks. Dressed for success!

A knock on the door. Bobby trips over numerous beer bottles, and stumbles to the door.

JON (Off-screen)

Bobby? It's Jon.

Bobby opens the door.

BOBBY

Jon?

JON

I need to find Dean and Sam. Something's after them. It's like nothing I've ever seen before.

Bobby splashes holy water on Jon.

JON

Holy water?

BOBBY

And some backwash. Also a little piss. Better safe than sorry. Come on in.

JON

This thing was after the boys. It tried to kill me. I barely made it out of there alive.

BOBBY

Haven't seen heads or tales of 'em since that hunting trip we took. Damn homicidal pic-a-nic bears. You sure you're okay?

JON

I'm fine. Just uh... Just a little hungry. Or maybe I'm just bored.

Jon steps into the light, except it isn't Jon.

A badly burned Levi has skinned Jon and is wearing him.

Bobby backs up. He reaches for a gun in a drawer.

Levi peels off Jon's skin. It is not pleasant.

LEVI

The boredom, I swear. Sometimes I wish I was back in Purgatory. It was so simple. Eat or be eaten. Now I'm here in this body. And all these rules. Why, it's enough to drive you batty. Go ahead and use your little pea shooter.

Bobby shoots him. Nothing.

LEVI

Ooo. Ah. Ouch.

BOBBY

What the hell are you?

LEVI

Not really into the whole labeling thing, but you know may know me from such roles as "The Leviathan That Ate Everyone".

BOBBY

Biblical one?

Levi nods and throws the rest of Jon's skin over his shoulder, like a crumpled piece of paper.

LEVI

Long story short, a misguided angel and his demon partner in crime decided open Purgatory's door. Scoop out all the souls. I hitched a ride and here I am. You've been really busy. All that technology. The automobiles. And whatever the hell Florida is supposed to be.

Bobby shrugs.

BOBBY

I don't know where Sam and Dean are. Even if I did, I wouldn't' tell ya.

LEVI

I know.

BOBBY

Someone will stop you!

Levi chuckles manically.

LEVI

You don't get it, do you? This isn't some fucking little fairy tale where _good_ triumphs over _evil_. This is about a hostile, universal takeover.

BOBBY

What do ya want?

LEVI

I want you to live, Bobby Singer. Just long enough to tell the tale. Spread the word. Remember this day.

Levi leans close to Bobby.

LEVI

Cause this day.

"DARK UNIVERSE"

EXT. DESERT - ABANDONED AUTO YARD – NIGHT

Abaddon looks over Lunara and Sam's dead bodies and smiles.

LEVI (voiceover)

This time.

INT. HELL – THRONE ROOM - NIGHT

Jo hangs from the ceiling, eyes and tongue missing.

Dean is unconscious, hanging on a torture rack.

Dark!Dean looks over a table of wicked instruments, picks up a meat hook and smiles.

LEVI (voiceover)

The bad guys win.

"PARODY UNIVERSE"

INT. BOBBY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Levi's skin slowly heals. He laughs like the lunatic that his is.

BAD MOON RISING plays.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


End file.
